Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
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« on: November 10, 2008, 09:58:50 pm » |
 Quote
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Random jokes because I cbf making a new topic all the time.
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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Fishing Vacation
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A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours
of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
Although she wasn't familiar with the lake,
the wife decided to take the boat out.
She rowed out a short distance, anchored,
and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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A Glass Of Water Please
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An Arab diplomat visiting in the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American foods, so he was forever sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch glasses of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. On this occasion, though, Abdul returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but, there is a man sitting on the well."
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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Dog In Heat
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A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes late with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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Children
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For those with no children, this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
READ to the end! The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read: "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid...
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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|
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
|
Virgins??
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After getting nailed by a percision guided bomb, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you... What the hell did you think I said?
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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|
|
Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
|
News Flash - - -
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"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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|
|
Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
|
Proud Fathers
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Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday."
Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday."
Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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|
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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|
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
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Drive Through ATM Instructions.
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, receipt, and card
5. Leave
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Deb
♥ α яαяє кιη∂α gιяℓ ♥
❤Sexii{Mod}Biatch❤
Mo0 Post Whore
☆ Smiles ☆ 437
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Gender: 
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Posts: 1846
вαву, ιѕ ιт ƒяι∂αу уєт? ℓσℓ
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 loved them Swifty, they are great! I especially loved the kids ones, tooo farking funny. Thank yo0 for sharing them with us! 
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═══════ღ♥º♥ღ═══════ ~ α яαяє кιη∂α gιяℓ ~  ═══════ღ♥º♥ღ═══════ |
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Swifty89
The Almight Master Of All
❀SKUX of the MONTH❀
Bobby Calf
☆ Smiles ☆ 152
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 174
|
So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
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I will show you something different from either
Your shadow in the morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
~
Once upon a time there was a poor child,
with no father and no mother
And everything was dead
And no one was left in the whole world
Everything was dead
And the child went on search, day and night
And since nobody was left on the earth,
he wanted to go up into the heavens
And the moon was looking at him so friendly
And when he finally got to the moon,
the moon was a piece of rotten wood
And then he went to the sun
And when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower
And when he got to the stars, they were little golden flies.
Stuck up there, like the shrike sticks 'em on a blackthorn
And when he wanted to go back, down to earth,
the earth was an overturned piss pot
And he was all alone, and he sat down and he cried
And he is there till this day
All alone:
Nighty night.
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Deb
♥ α яαяє кιη∂α gιяℓ ♥
❤Sexii{Mod}Biatch❤
Mo0 Post Whore
☆ Smiles ☆ 437
Offline
Gender:
Mood:
Posts: 1846
вαву, ιѕ ιт ƒяι∂αу уєт? ℓσℓ
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 -Nice one Don!!! bahahahahahahahahaha
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═══════ღ♥º♥ღ═══════ ~ α яαяє кιη∂α gιяℓ ~ ═══════ღ♥º♥ღ═══════ |
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